The Pitch Invasion invades Denver… with Pitch!

By Jonathon Winkler

On a drunken Saturday night on the verge of urinating my pants (the typical Saturday night for me); a friend and I randomly wandered into that dark dank basement called the Meadowlark. As we drunkenly stumbled down the stairs, there was a sound becoming more and more apparent. “Is that punk rock music?” I thought in my inebriated brain. I started to get an erection. My heart started to beat fast. Was I hallucinating? I thought Denver was just a bunch of hippie pussies that like “the dead”. As I finally got into the venue, it was in fact “punk rock music” and, surprisingly, quite good! As the total docile tools that make up most of Denver peered through their vintage glasses upon the band, I took this as a sign to start an old fashion “mosh pit” at age 30. I think I punched some random vintage t shirt wearing guy in the face and it was all downhill from there…

Now wait!!! This was a band that was just antagonizing me to do so!! It is not my fault and I am unwilling to accept any responsibility for my terrible behavior. IT WAS THEIR FAULT! They just rocked that good!! The “mosh pit” I started consisted solely of me throwing myself around and almost vomiting while ruining everyone’s night and acting like a total asshole. I think my friend left in embarrassment, which is understandable. At one point I stole someone’s drink and attempted to make out with random chicks that walked by in disgust. When that failed, I went after the fellas. They weren’t havin’ that!!

Again, the bands fault!!!

Surprisingly I was not kicked out and the band raged on as I flopped around like a 30 year old bald idiot. No surprises there. As the night persisted, the music got better and better, faster and faster. Ironically, as this occurred, my behavior paralleled this; but instead of getting better and better, I was getting drunker and drunker and therefore more and more retarded. I am thinking of writing the meadowlark stating my confusion to why I was not kicked out and also why they shouldn’t allow drunk idiots, such as myself, to randomly start mosh pits. It would read as such:

 

Dear Meadowlark,

As a frequent visitor of your fine establishment, I was quite shocked last night during the local musical group performance of The Pitch Invasion (terrible name). My shock consists of both disgust and disdain for there was a balding belligerent gentleman that was acting quite rude and harassing the customers. It seemed he was flicking everyone off and constantly hand gesturing putting male genitals in his mouth. In and out! This homo-eroticism was both tantalizing and disgusting. He was clearly acting like an infant. In the future, I would hope that Meadowlark would be more thorough in weeding out these bad seeds. They ruin everyone’s night and are just immature attention seekers. I could understand this happening at Matchbox, but from you Meadowlark?! I would expect more. Please be more diligent in allowing these assholes in. They just end up shitting all over everyone’s night. I did not get laid and I think it was because of this guy.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Your faithful client

 

Anyways, I had a great time, so I guess fuck everyone else? I don’t know. I do know that The Pitch Invasion has a rough & gruff sound. There lyrics are fun and identify local cultural events that occur in and around Denver (such as picking up prostitutes around Colfax as stipulated in the track “3 Fingers of Fun”). They do have a bit of a DRI sound, but slightly heavier, which is great. The Pitch Invasion has a lot more of a punk sound than crossover thrash sound also. All the dudes seem to be older, so they know how to rock and party unlike the disappointing youth today who are always whining, docile, and use way too much hand sanitizer in public. Apparently the band plays quite often around Denver. Below is a listing, I hope to see you at their shows. I most likely will be putting my dick in your drink and trying to unsuccessfully make out with your girlfriends…XOXO

Here are a list of live shows and some songs that are good!

http://www.reverbnation.com/thepitchinvasion

May 9th at the lion’s lair is there next show!!!!

The Super Bowl Halftime Show Sucked!

 

The mind numbing boredom of the Super Bowl is finally over (did Denver even show up?).  We can all go back to our extremely monotonous and boring lives consisting mostly of staring at our cellphones in public and being totally self-involved with shitty internet blogs and writing Super Bowl Halftime music reviews.

With this said, I am sure no one was staring at their cellphones during the “memorable” performance of Bruno Mars and Red Hot Chili Peppers during the Super Bowl halftime show.  For all the glitz and glam of the Halftime Show, there wasn’t a talented individual on stage; after the game, it was apparent the whole stadium was void of talent. Talk about hype…Talk about disappointment…

While I drunkenly stared at the blaring, gigantic TV during the Halftime show in some overfilled LoDo bar; it appeared at first midgets had taken the stage of the Halftime Super Bowl Show…Instantly, I was excited…”Midget Revolution? Midget Super Bowl?” I thought, drunkenly.

Once the lights were switched on and the silhouettes of the mini people were illuminated; my hopes were destroyed.  It wasn’t midgets after all.  Rather it was rosy cheeked children (the worst people in the world); one could sense a true disaster was unfolding right before our very eyes.

Soon Bruno Mars took the stage with his “unbelievable” drumming, covered in full regalia looking like a lesbian Elvis Presley or possibly a blacker Max Headroom.  Was it any coincidence that Pepsi was behind this debacle?? (Remember Max Headroom and Pepsi campaigns of the 80s??  I hated Max Headroom, he was super creepy, but I would have taken him & a Pepsi over Bruno Mars any day, especially on this very day).

Anyways, you got to give it to Bruno; she was one fine looking chick..(pause).  Besides ripping off every great artist of the past, literally from head to toe (moves of James Brown, clothes of The Temptations, garbage of every 90s alternative band) one hopes something, anything of interest would happen; especially with all that stealing of nostalgia and artists of the past thing going on. Unfortunately nothing exciting occurred; all we were left with was a mash up cluster fuck of every generic music genre known to man; what spewed forth was worse than anyone could imagine.  It was a weak attempt of every weak attempt in the history of weak attempts at a live performance. Amazingly, all of this mess was done within 10 minutes!  Quite impressive, but the horror wasn’t over yet…

Geriatric front man, Anthony Kieds, took the stage shirtless as usual Jumping off stage. I was scared, and not in a cool way – more of like the “dude, put your shirt on, you old fuck” kind of way. Soon, everyone was chattering about how good he looked for 50.  I was thinking, sure, but who wants to see a shirtless 50 year old man flop around on stage??? RHCP started kicking out the jams; actually the very same jams I remember from grammar school.  Who thought I would be doomed to listen to the same shitty music I did back when I was a wee young one?  Am I in hell?  Nietzsche was right about the Eternal Return!!! AH!

The Red Hot Chili Peppers sucked then, and with all the fame and exposure one would think that would change, that they would progress. Unfortunately, they still suck and have not progressed in any way possible.  The beanie wearing, 60 year old, arrested development, Will Ferrell looking drummer looked as if he would die at any minute.  Is this what “Rock” has come too?  Watching these old idiots jump around while acting and dressing the same they did 25 years ago???  Playing the very same boring songs they did 25 years ago??? Is this what people want??? Is this entertainment??  I ASK YOU WORLD; IS THIS WHAT YOU SEEK!?!

Tick or Flea or whatever he called himself looked about the same; maintaining his physique through years of drug use that preserved him like a well pickled egg.  Everything was sad and pathetic to me, but the fans looked like they were having fun (hopefully they were handsomely rewarded, because that is the only way I would be looking as they did).

Between the doo-wop dress and dance of 40 years ago and the same song from 20 some years ago everyone must have thought “how original”, “how unique”; rather than think “what a hot mess of outdated pop culture and nostalgia crap quickly slapped together”. Apparently, aging celebrities beyond their prime and ripping off dead artists of the past is all the rage within the music scene today.  This, of course, is due to the absolute void and absence of anything with artistic merit and the dominance and institution of the music industry and nostalgia as a manufactured art dominated by corporations who then feed us back “what is cool”.

In all honesty, I didn’t even watch the Halftime show at the bar on that fateful day of the Super Bowl; I just watched it on YouTube 20 minutes ago.  During the actual Halftime on Super Bowl Day, about thirty seconds in (after being disappointed about the midgets), I decided to go to the 7/11 to buy beer.  This is mostly due to the fact that I am a cheap ass and didn’t want to drop $5 at the overpriced and over packed bar with amateur drunks yelling constantly and incoherently.

In conclusion, can we please dispel of these semi-retarded, elderly performers beyond their shitty prime and “give it away, give it away” and start fresh with some young, up and coming talent?  By young and fresh talent, I do not mean nostalgic douche-bags nor talentless Max Headroom’s.  I, for one, am not holding my breath.  Everything sucks now and there is no turning back. However, I look to all of you – Go out and make it a better world. For the love of god, do something new and original…Please…Time is running out…

 

Politically Incorrect

They call you a hoe.

You’re known as the round-about chick, the community a$$, the easy lay. A movie and dinner is all it takes, sometimes less, at least that’s what some say. So a young man hears the rumors, “I’m next” is what he tells all his boys; how big of a playa he is, the girls he pulls and all that bullshit noise. He doesn’t even know your name, but knows you’re where to go for a good time…so when he approaches, he’s taken back learning you were raped at age 9. His smile wipes and eyes widen as his mouth drops. You haven’t had sex since it happened, but he does nothing to help the rumors stop. Boys always have to save face so he tells his guys the whole night you were on top of him….a week later, his stomach drops learning you’re now in a coffin. You couldn’t take the image they’ve all made, so you reached for the pills. You smile as your eyes become heavy, your heart beats slow as you think of the rumors finally growing still.

You’re the starting QB….

Everyone knows your name. You’re only in highschool, but you already have TMZ type fame. And your letterman jacket allows you to have the most popular of friends. Then one day they ask what you’ve dreaded and tried to avoid: why you don’t have a girlfriend. You play it off, claiming your focused on the football game and class. Little do your boys know, it’s not only girls that check they ass when they pass. You’ve held this secret since you were 12, and growing up gay was rough. You told your dad about it, and he put you in football thinking you’re just not tough enough. Everytime you set behind center, you have a dilemna, and you don’t know what to do anymore. You wish it didn’t have to be a touchdown with your wide receiver for you to score. No one will ever know your secret, so you just continue doing what you do. But while you’re worried about getting caught, you missed the wink the halfback sent to you…

Bully, A**hole, Jerk…

Just a few of the names people say. But they won’t say it to your face, they tremble seeing you walking down the hallway. You’ll steal lunch money, shoes, if they have dreams, you want those too. When people ask why you do it, you smirk “That’s just life, boo.” On your way home, with your bad ass, stealing candy from the store. You come home, and see nail scratches on the door. You open it slow, and see your mother on the floor. One of your…”uncles”…on top of her screaming. You think you’re sleeping or dreaming seeing her blood streaming. He sees you, bolts out of the house without a bye. She grabs sunglasses off the counter to hide her black eye. You begin to cry in her arms, and ask her “Why do you allow this to happen to you?” She shows you the stack of cash, and says, “That’s just life, boo.”

I Was Just Wondering

I wonder if when we’re on the phone, about to sleep with it on, instead of falling asleep you stay awake as well and quietly thank God for the person on the other end. I mean, just listening to your harmoniously rhythmical breathing is enough to remind me of more things to thank God for.

I wonder if your exes are blind or have mental handicaps. They must, to allow someone like you go. An angel, created by God, crested by the moon in it’s envious attempts to mimic the light you produce, and the sun whimpers into hiding, because the beam of hope you emit burns brighter than any star could ever fathom.

I wonder if after we fight, you also wish the fight never occurred, and that we can be on the phone laughing, and elaborating on our future together. I wonder if thje day after a fight, you notice the weather seems depressing with thunder clouds seeming to angrily illuminate their frustrations that you and I aren’t together. I wonder if you realize the weather is brighter when you smile, or maybe just my world is. Could be.

I wonder if you’ve come to realize the people you suffered with, the ones that caused heartbreak, and the ones who are no longer there all left to strengthen you. Once pressure is applied to coal, diamonds are the results, and I wonder if you also realize the hottest flames make for the brightest diamond. I wonder if you believe like I do that the reason all of these things happened was so I can be a strong enough companion for you. That God made us partners before we knew, and everything we’ve gone through, was just so I can get to you. I wonder if you find this to be true.

I wonder if you wonder about me, and are able to simply say my name to smile. I wonder if whenever my ringtone plays, your heart skips a mile. I wonder if you laugh out loud about a joke you remember I said three days ago, and you’ll laugh about it no matter the season. I wonder if your day is also made when you get a text saying “I love you” for no particular reason.

I wonder if you realize when I say I got you, that it means more than you’ll ever know. And those three words along with these three words (I love you) should be things I don’t just say, but I also show. I’m sorry for my flaws, and that the length of the day limits the time we spend. I hope you don’t take this the wrong way when I say I could never just be your friend, for if this love was to end, you’ve cursed me to forever settle for someone worse who will never deserve my time to spend.

I wonder these things because I love to wonder about us. I might be alone…but I might not be.

I wonder.

For The Lover In You

I don’t really support the hype of Hallmark holiday’s. I think love should be spontaneous, perpetual, and unique. Not a box of chocolates and a teddy bear once a year. What is the significance of February 14th if you dont cherish your love the other 364 days? Don’t confuse me with a love basher though; if your using Valentine’s Day as a vehicle to express your affection once more I hope cupid has good aim.  In the sentimental spirit, I’ve compiled some of the most passionate love songs to ever caress our senses. Press play with your paramour and prepare to get nice and cozy, and for those of us riding solo on Valentine’s Day let the melodies whisper sweet nothings in your ear. Either way this collection has something to quench everyone’s love jones.  Eclectically molded, because love has no boundaries right? Hope you enjoy this and each other.